


A Heavy Heart to Carry

by vulpeculavolans



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, I LOVE THESE BOYS I WANT THEM TO S U F F E R, M/M, One Shot, So much angst, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2018-09-16
Packaged: 2019-07-13 05:08:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16010915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vulpeculavolans/pseuds/vulpeculavolans
Summary: When Cadfael wakes up with a song stuck in his head, things get more complicated than they have any right to be.





	A Heavy Heart to Carry

Cadfael always thought it’d be a slow build, the way Alistair talked about it. It isn’t. Not for him.

One day he wakes up with a song ringing through his brain like a bell.

He recognises it, of course. His heart starts to race. He feels bile rise up in the back of his throat. He tries not to wake Zevran as he untangles their limbs carefully. He fails, of course. Even now, years after everything, Zevran is still one of the lightest sleepers he knows.

“Mi luz? What is it?”

“Nothing,” he chokes, his hands shaking where they’re fisted in the blanket around his thighs. “It’s fine.”

It’s too late - Zevran’s already leaning up on one elbow, reaching out a hand for him. Cadfael recognises the concerned shadow that casts itself over his eyes, but what he doesn’t recognise is the way it freezes.

This is what he’d been hoping to avoid. That damned look. The one that he knew would make it real. “What is it?”

“Nothing, mi amor.” He’s slipping on the easy facade again, that mask he hasn’t had to wear for a decade at least. Of course Cadfael notices. He feels cold sweat start to gather on the back of his neck. 

“Something’s wrong.”

“No,” Zevran says, and behind the facade he sounds rather like a child desperately willing something out of existence. 

Cadfael reaches back, presses his fingertips to the small of his back - the patch of skin Zevran had been reaching for.

_ It’s too late _ is the first thought that crosses his mind. Cadfael’s fingers find cold flesh, and he realises, distantly, that he can’t feel it. His whole back is numb and freezing. He stands, crosses the room to get a good look in the mirror.

Black tendrils reach out from his lower back, twining their way through his veins like prodding fingers. He traces each line absently. Zevran is, for once, quiet.

Cadfael isn’t sure what to do. What to say. He just stands there, quivering like a child, his hands cold and shaking.

It feels like an eternity passes in under a minute.

Suddenly, Zevran is there, one hand on his shoulder. The other reaches down, prises his fingers off the disease spreading through him like some poisoned river. He holds his hands, looks into his eyes.

“Mi amor, mi luz, mi alma. Look at me.”

“Zevran, please -”

“Look at me.”

He does. He tries to hold back the panicked tears that swell at the back of his eyes. He can already feel them collecting along his lower lashes. Fear rips through his chest, every heartbeat roaring in his ears.

“I swore an oath of devotion to you, Cadfael.” He brings his fingers to his lips and kisses them tenderly. “I swore it once when we met. I swore it again when I gave you that earring. I swore it a third time when we took down a being that fancied itself a god, and again when I married you.” He presses a kiss to the gold band on his finger. 

That’s what breaks him. The tears start to flow hot and heavy and humiliating down his cheeks. He doesn’t break Zevran’s gaze. He’s more serious than Cadfael’s seen him in years.

“I swear it again, my Warden. I am your man, without reservation. By your side, I would willingly storm the gates of the Black City itself. Do not doubt it.”

“Zev, you  _ can’t -” _

“I will,” Zevran promises, and the fierce sincerity in his voice is like nothing Cadfael’s ever heard. He sniffs, feels his legs shaking under him.  _ No, _ he thinks, with a howling, pained resolve.  _ It can’t end like this. Not for him. Maker, not him. _

Months later, when he finds himself at the entrance to the deep roads alone, he thinks again of Zevran. The ring still sits on his blighted finger under his glove, dull and dirty now with years of wear. The earring still glints, though. Even if he’d tried, he never could could’ve got the damned thing to be any less tempting for every passing thief with more balls than brains.

He’d scared more than a few people on his way in - dwarves who mistook him for a ghoul until their friends whispered in their ears. About what, Cadfael isn’t sure. The armour, maybe? Or is it the Anvil? The power he wasted? The lives he saved?

He tries not to dwell on it.

The night before, he’d headed to Tapster’s and bought a round for the house. The woman behind the bar recognised him, even with the pale white eye and the paler, waxy skin that stretched gaunt across his cheekbones. She’d looked at him with something resembling pity in her eye - the same look he’d seen everywhere this past week or so. Zevran had been near insufferable, tracking down old lore and fussing over him. Every night, he’d sit himself up in bed beside him with a dusty old tome and a candle, eyes darting over every so often to check he wasn’t dead yet.

He doesn’t want that for him. On a more selfish note, he doesn’t want to be remembered that way. Skinny and sickly, green eyes sunken and red hair garish against his grey skin.

He’s sure, he decides. His shield sits heavy on his back, but his arms tremble when he tries to hold it, so he leaves it where it is. He adjusts his pauldrons with an air of finality. Zevran will forgive him, in time. He hopes so, anyway.

He nods to the dwarf that stands guard, a young man with a shock of black hair and a short beard. The doors grinds open, stone on stone, the guard huffing and puffing with the effort.

Cadfael’s sword sings as it leaves the sheath. He steps inside, and hears the doors slam behind him.

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Heavy In Your Arms by Florence + The Machine!
> 
> tumblr: prettyjuno


End file.
